AbbieBegins

song of the week

2006-11-02T16:35:00.000-05:00

so lately there have been several songs of the week... but there have been some good ones lately. the current favorite is "All I Need" by Mat Kearney (featured on Grey's Anatomy a while back).

Some others that are worth checking out...

9 crimes (Damien Rice)
Keep It There (the Weepies)
Paperweight (from the Last Kiss soundtrack)

All kind of downers, but hey, it's winter in Ohio now.

the stories we tell (introspection)

2006-10-29T13:48:00.000-05:00

Disclaimer: i'm not usually introspective out loud, so if you are expecting a typical rant about one thing or another (i.e. Ohio weather or the Counting Crows), you'll have to wait for another post.

are we the sum of the stories we tell?

do the stories we choose to tell define who we are? are the stories we choose not to tell the summation of who we choose not to be? i think that the stories we choose not to tell are the ones that influence us more than any others.

When we tell our stories, we usually know the kind of response we want from the person we are telling. So we manipulate our stories, highlighting different parts to elicit a response from our audience. My friend Seth taught me the art of telling a good story. He could find the interesting in the mundane. For him, it seemed the goal of a good story was to engage the audience, and if you could make the reader/listener fall out of her chair from laughing after a horrific day, so much the better.
but sometimes we have to tell stories that aren't so funny. No one is sliding down a hill on her stomach after a rollerblading incident, no one is walking into street signs, or getting obsure diagnoses from the school nurse. sometimes the story we need to tell is about the person who isn't here anymore, or about the time we messed up, or the person we hurt, or the time we succeeded, or the time we just felt alive for no reason at all. these stories don't make people laugh. most of the time they don't elicit any reaction we would want from our audience. they are met with pity, laughter, scorn, or indifference. so we tuck these stories away, writing them in journals or typing them out on blogs when they will no longer be containted, but seldom saying them out loud.

stories stand for experiences

i've been thinking a lot about how our experiences shape us, regardless of whether or not we intend to let them. i've spent a lot of the last 6 years trying to remain the same, unimpacted by the joy or pain that i've experienced. i've believed that independence and validation are found in being untouchable and unchanged. when i had to tell my stories about loss, i had no answer to the question "how did that impact you?" except to say that i kept going, i tried not to forget and not to remember, i found new projects, new causes, new distractions, and new ways to stay the same, to not let anyone around me see the fractures or changes that were forming in me for better or for worse. if loss has changed me for the better, i've pushed that change aside, rejecting it on principle. if loss has changed me for the worse, i've denied its influnce, going on to be the person i thought everyone thought that i was.
the same goes for joy. as much as i've tried to deny the influence of negative experiences on who i am, i have also rejected the influence of happy or pleasurable experiences. to allow myself to be molded by the experience of being loved is as much a terror as to admit defeat and insecurity and loss in the deepest core of my being.

the importance of remembering

i think that we sometimes forget that we are creating new stories every day. next week, next month, next year, what are the stories we will be adding to our repitoire? if the stories i tell are about the stupid things i do, then i need to keep doing stupid things to make sure i have new stories. if my stories i tell are about the people i love, then i need to keep loving people. if my stories are about my successes, then i need to keep being successful.
i want my stories to be about living. living encompasses mistakes, successes, love and loss, failure, joy, and happiness and sadness. that's easier said that done. it's so easy to get caught up in everything and nothing. i know it's the right answer, but i don't know what it means.

ohio grey...

2006-10-16T21:25:00.000-05:00

Sometime around 6:02 p.m. this evening, I realized that it was over. I came in from the cold, wet, ohio grey and into my cold, dark, apartment and realized: I will not be warm again until June. Sure, I can pile on the layers and the blankets, but somehow the cold gets into my bones. And once its there, I can't get rid of it. So, I realized it was over and promptly lost my will to live. I became apathetic and began spreading my "good cheer" to everyone I talked to.
I hate when I get like this. Usually, the loss of will doesn't take hold until sometime in January. It's too early for this crap. I noticed that my "I hate everything about the winter" blog post didn't show up until it was actually winter last year. I'm a few months ahead of schedule. I've got to derail this attitude this year... I'm not sure how... (barring a move to the caribbean)

adam duritz is old and fat but i still love him

2006-07-15T11:40:00.000-05:00

So, it has been over six months since my last post... i guess you could say things have been busy. But what has prompted this most recent of posts? You guessed it... the Counting Crows concert last night.

Anyone who knows me knows that I love the Counting Crows. I admit that they are largely sentimental favorites; they haven't had a hit in years and really, things have gone down hill since Adam sobered up and got "un-depressed." Regardless of all that, they still put on an awesome show. Adam was obviously stoned and his attempts to promote the community service organizations that were at the ampitheater were amusing. The mostly did stuff from August and Everything After (they're best album) including an amazing rendition of Round Here. There was also the best version of Rain King that I have ever heard.

The whole concert was an emotional affair, with each song taking me down memory lane. "If dreams are like movies them memories are films about ghosts... the price of a memory is the memory of the sorrow it brings..." oh so true. It was bittersweet, remembering at time in my life when everything was exactly as I wanted it to be. Sitting on a couch on the side of the stage in a coffee shop with my friend Candace listing to my boyfriend's band covering Round Here while I drank my soy latte.... It's funny, but in those times you never think that it won't last. You are young and carefree; you think those people will always be there. The show ended with Long December, which makes me remember a time when everything was exactly as it shouldn't have been. Talk about ghosts... but "maybe this year will be better than the last."

enough of this winter wonderland crap...

2005-12-18T21:19:00.000-05:00

If you couldn't tell from the title, I'm a big fan of winter. No, really, I mean freezing my ass off everytime I go outside, paying big heating bills, driving with morons on skating rinks, and driving to and from work in the dark are big perks of an Ohio winter. Seriously, every year I think I might die--first from hypothermia, then from depression.

This year, I thought might be different. The first couple days of snow I was actually kind of mesmerized by it. Big fluffy flakes, looking out the big window of my apartment at a snow-globe world... it was nice. But alas, the snow-globe look is getting old. All the grey and white and brown makes me sad. Even when it's pretty.

headache. packing. work. ugh.

2005-10-17T20:11:00.000-05:00

I think the title of this post pretty much sums it up. i haven't posted for a while, but i'm having a really hard time being productive in my non-office time. that's no good. i need to be productive any time that i'm not sleeping to be on top of things this week. i haven't written anything for "fun" in ages, though i've had such a long spell of writer's block, that i'm becoming suspicious that my "writer-ness" is pretty far from the reality of myself. you know what they say... those who can't do... edit.

who needs sleep?

2005-09-14T19:18:00.000-05:00

Apparently not me... today anyway. I've been in really good shape for sleeping less than 3 hours last night. I even went to the gym and ran today. freaky. oh well. we'll see how long this can go.

AHHHHH!

2005-09-14T00:57:00.000-05:00

So, either I'm having a reaction to my poison ivy medicine or I'm having a panic attack. All I know is that I can't sleep, I can't stop moving, I could throw up at any moment, and it feels like someone is sitting on my chest. I'm guessing that I absorbed a large amount of the steriods in the cream I put on my poison ivy. I definitely should not have waited until night to put it on... As for my stomach, I drank coffee today, so that's probably par for the course.

Unfortunately, I'm so scattered I'm having a very hard time concentrating on reading for work, which is unfortunate because I'm so far behind. Well, it depends on what you call behind... I've managed to keep up with a normal amount of work, but have not been able to keep up with the 3 extra chapters I need to have ready by tomorrow. But enough complaining, I definitely have it better than some people. But I bet most of them are sleeping right now.

I hate not being able to sleep. It just gives my mind more fuel for worrying about how I'm going to be productive tomorrow, when I've wasted the night with insomnia (not even productive insomnia) and will likely be exhausted tomorrow. My brain needs a break!

"if you knew me... anyway..."

2005-09-05T20:18:00.000-05:00

if you know me, this will not suprise you. either way, i hope you enjoy.

electrocution.

remember when your mom used to say: "don't put your fingers in the electrical outlet." and "sticking a knife in an electrical outlet is a bad idea." ?

well, maybe my mom should have added "don't reach blindly behind a piano to retrieve your keys and inadvertantly create a complete circuit with your hand, the keys, a plug, and an electrical outlet. " then i might have avoided losing feeling in a couple of my fingers and feeling like my arm was being crushed by the piano. also, doing all this while my safety minded, electrician grandfather was standing in the room telling me to use a yardstick was probably not the best option. i just hope the tingling feeling goes away (completely) by tomorrow morning...

i'm a smart girl... i swear!

there were so many fewer questions when stars were still just the holes to heaven.....

2005-08-21T16:06:00.000-05:00

just finished "the great divorce." lewis is brilliant as usual. it is quite a challenge he presents to us--i wonder how the discussion with the group will go... if anyone shows up.

"If we insist on keeping Hell (or even Earth) we shall not see Heaven: if we accept Heaven we shall not be able to retain even the smallest most intimate souvenirs of Hell."

What are the implications of this in the context of the Kingdom come to Earth? Are there any? On some level, I'm not even sure what question I mean to ask.

i can't even decide on a freakin' title....

2005-07-28T20:55:00.000-05:00

thank God for friends. especially the ones who call you out on your crap. that's all i'm going to say about that. :)

the bad thing about introspection is that it generally leads to several levels of crazy. i've been through a few in the past few days and it has not gone well with my lack of decision making skills. why is it that in a professional setting, i can wield authority and decision making as if i were born to it, but if i have 3 offers of plans for a friday night i am rendered incapable of making a decision. well, in my most recent bout, i made a decision... to break my responsible plans for less responsible ones. neither causes problems, and i would probably be okay in either situation, but the decision (though i know what i wanted) took hours. i nearly made myself sick over it! that's probably why i'm still single. indecision. or that's what i'll call it. it's a miracle i even graduated college with more than a generic degree. i changed my major every semester/quarter (i changes schools halfway through). i actually have a "career path" that i am reasonably happy about, but i can't be comfortable in my decision to go that direction. i consistently feel the need to see what my options are... there are things that i always come back to, though. things that i like no matter what... science, writing, music, friends, coffee....
but alas, i can't decide how i want to conclude or continue my rant, so i'll decide to sleep.

introspection.

2005-07-26T21:43:00.000-05:00

goodbyes. i intensely dislike goodbyes. even when they don't directly impact my daily life, they make me uncomfortable. i cry for no apparent reason. to anyone who knows the situation i look like a big freak. maybe i am. i empathize with loss, change, goodbyes. someday i suppose my empathy will be put to use.

change. in my discomfort i learned something about my attitude toward change. i love it (when i am in control of it). i hate it (when i am not in control). i need it (to keep my attention). i fear it (it wasn't my idea). i have an expectant feeling. something big is going to change. i don't know whether to be excited or afraid. i'll do a little of both.

control. i like to be in control. i like to plan. even when i don't have a plan, i have assorted back-up plans for when the "seat of my pants thing" doesn't work. in a message a couple weeks ago, a friend said that "to follow Christ is to let Jesus seriously meddle with your life." that thought came up again tonight when p.jim spoke about the israelites following the cloud/pillar of fire in the desert. they didn't have a plan beyond following the Lord. their destination was unknown, they packed or set up camp at a moments notice. they grew in relationship through blind obedience to the Lord. wow. i'm not sure i can do that. i know that giving up my plans doesn't necessarily mean not having plans. it means that my plans come after following. my plans become more aligned with His plans the longer i follow. in this, following becomes action; it is not passive. i don't choose, then go on as if there were no choice. i must choose with every breath, ever mindful to listen for the next direction.

"one more sun comes sliding down the sky..."

2005-06-15T21:47:00.000-05:00

This week (yesterday to be exact) I turned 25. Not a big deal, right? I don't feel ancient, I'm still younger than a lot of my friends, definitely younger than most of my co-workers... but in some ways this birthday has been bigger than usual. The well-wishes from my friends and family mean more, the unexpected "happy birthdays" (and the expected ones) are painting over years of bad birthdays, of "happy birthdays" that sounded more like condolences than congratulations. I'm blessed, and I'm realizing that maybe I always have been.

cali sunset...

2005-06-08T21:36:00.000-05:00

This picture turned out kind of blurry, but I almost like it that way. Impressionistic. I am my own Monet. Well, maybe not...

I haven't been making many posts of any substance lately... mostly because I've been just trying to get through to vacation. Well, vacation has come and gone (and it was lovely) , but I've gotten a chance to be introspective. To be quiet. still. airports and airplanes will do that for you, I guess. I'm learning from it.

gotta get outta here!

2005-06-01T23:05:00.000-05:00

in the words of phantom planet:

CALIFORNIA! HERE WE COME!

and faith makes everybody scared....

2005-05-15T16:14:00.000-05:00

if shame had a face I think it would kind of look like mine'
if it had a home would it be my eyes
would you believe me if I said I'm tired of this
well here we go now one more time

I tried to climb your steps
I tried to chase you down
I tried to see how low I could get down to the ground
I tried to earn my way
I tried to change this mind
you better believe that I have tried to beat this

there goes my pain
there goes my chains
did you see them falling
because this feeling
that has no meaning

there goes the world
off of my shoulders
there goes the world
off of my back
there it goes

desperate for changing
starving for truth
closer to where I started
chasing after you

Sometimes it snows in April...

2005-04-24T21:31:00.000-05:00

A tribute to the true-to-Ohio weather this weekend:

Sometimes it snows in April
Sometimes I feel so bad, so bad
Sometimes I wish life was never ending,
and all good things, they say, never last

From the song "sometimes it snows in april" by Prince.

"we are frail. we are fearfully and wonderfully made."

2005-04-24T20:47:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I went to see the Body Worlds 2 exhibit. Tonight I "lead" a discussion in my small group about a book that we are reading which only one other person had started to read, so the discussion turned into a disjointed conversation about "the new Earth." The reason I parallel these two activities is this: though, the first event was a decidely "secular" one, I was moved more deeply and spiritually by amazing strength and frailty of the human body, than the discussion with my small group.

This is not to say that my small group is bad, or invaluable. There have been many times when something at group has impacted me. But overall, what I get from my small group is a growing connection with other Christians--not necessarily a deeper connection to God. I'm not so sure that's a bad thing either. As long as I am growing in a deeper relationship with God in some capacity. But this post is not about my small group...

When walking through the exhibit, several things hit me. The one that I'll discuss now was a quote from Niztche that was hanging on a banner from the ceiling.

"Body am I, and soul", thus speaks the child. And why should one not speak like children?
But the awakened and knowing say: body am I entirely, and nothing else; and soul is only a word for something about the body. Friedrich Nietzsche

Point 1. Not everyone sees things the way I do. I know that I am not the only person to whom God reveals himself through the biochemical pathways of the cell. However, I also know that Science has become a vehicle for athiesm. But to see and know creation intimately and disbelieve is barely comprehensible for me.
Point 2. Perhaps the key is in the first sentence of the quote. namely in who speaks first. the child. is this another example of what Christ meant when He said we should be like little children?

As I'm writing, I realize that I am inarticulate in describing the "feeling" of the cerebral experience. I guess I have some more processing to do.

quite possibly the highlight of my night

2005-04-19T22:19:00.000-05:00

So i just came in from taking my trash out to the dumpster (it was starting to smell. really bad.) and some people were having a freakin' block party out there (okay, so maybe there were only four of them, but they were really loud and super annoying). When I was coming back in, the cute little boy (maybe 5 years old) across the way stuck his head out his bedroom window and said in his cute little boy voice, "could somebody please keep it down out there?" The loud people yelled back their appology to which he replied "please. you're going to wake my family!"

Super cute. and the laugh i needed before turning in for the night.

And oooh, look at me! two posts in one night!

"winter just wasn't my season..."

2005-04-19T16:22:00.000-05:00

I had no idea I could be so tired... I've not been good at keeping up on my posts. Or my laundry. Or anything for that matter. I can only hope that it improves with the weather.

Last Friday was the first day that I can remember that I was in a good mood all day long. The roadblocks and bumps in my day didn't even phase me! Saturday was a close second because I got to spend the day outside (unfortunately my face swelled shut from allergies by late-afternoon). Unfortunately, this week has not seen the same positive attitude.

This post really has no point, just me dumping some random thoughts out of my head... they keep piling up and distracting me, so I figure it is better to get them out.

My perfectionism is rearing its ugly head again. I recently got my review at work. In all areas I was ranked as "fully meeting performance standards" except the one where I "sometimes exceed performance standards." This should be a good thing. But now it is my goal to "consistantly exceed performance standards" in all areas (which no one actually does, but why shouldn't i?). Then, there is a big stink about some content errors in a project on which I am the (only) content person. crap. what the hell did I mess up? The errors haven't been confirmed, and it was just a phone call from a sales rep who thinks she knows more than us, but still... now I am fact checking everything... I really needed one more reason to doubt myself.

On other fronts, the sermon this past Sunday was for me. But I'm not sure how to apply it. I am fully aware that I can't do it on my own, but nothing seems to change. The point was that many of us, though we have been "liberated," are not living "free" lives. I am becoming more and more fully aware that this is where I need to be headed, but for some reason I'm just stuck here (for a while longer). Maybe I'm just being impatient with my baby steps. The fact that I've toward hope should be encouraging, but is hope fraught with frustration really hope?

Completely irrational: fully functional.

oh, and my new motto: "when in doubt, drink more coffee"
(this accounts for my substantially increased coffee consumption while wading through pages of manuscript.)

The soundtrack of my life... volume 1

2005-03-29T23:10:00.000-05:00

"by all accounts (today was a disaster)"
Here is the first entry of songs that fit my current mood. AKA the soundtrack of my life.... a little flavor of the music in my head...

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball
From: Cannonball by Damien Rice

I'm coming out of my cage
And I’ve been doing just fine
Gotta gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all...
...Open up my eager eyes
‘Cause I’m Mr Brightside...
From: Mr. Brightside by the Killers

Man it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she has
Lord it takes a lonely one to wish that she had never dreamt at all
Oh Lord, now, there you go with hope again
Oh, you're so sure I'll be leaving in the end...
From: Carve your heart out yourself by Dashboard Confessional

I can't wait till San Diego... a break from the ordinary.

"let the walls have their say. there's no conversation..."

2005-03-25T21:43:00.000-05:00

Right now I am absolutely obsessed with Emery's cd "the weak's end." If you haven't heard it I strongly suggest you go to their website, where you can listen to their cd there. The lyrics are fantastic, with titles like "by all accounts (today was a disaster)" (who can't relate to that?) and the music is a bit emo-ish, with some well placed screaming. (I think we all need a little more well placed screaming.) It was released in 2004, and I really don't know what took me so long to buy it. My current favorite song is fractions. I don't know why exactly, but everything about it is interesting. It's held my attention for quite a while. You really have to listen to get the full effect, but I'm posting the lyrics anyway.

"Fractions"

one in three, you're here to tell me we can't do this (one and three, you're here to tell me we can't do this three for three i can't agree) anymore
your hair and face against the mirror as i take the steps to save what's left of me someone's out when it's over people steal from you and they take anything they choose

it's good to see you (i missed you last night) that's such a lovely color (it goes with your eyes)
before we fall asleep (i just wanted to say) this all seems so easy but there are choices to make

can't decide, then look at the faces (candlelight) we're burning the pages and hurting ourselves with this false start resign yourself and always be (and we pretend as if it gets easier)
without the one thing you need (but does it get easier) debating words with know reply's when we have these mornings where we can say goodbye

i wanted to mean everything to you but this isn't right you keep coming back disassembled and i
keep losing this fight

i won't answer dancing under starlight glow no one in the city knows confidence can take you nerves try to shake you from going all the way it's not that far we watch the tide roll in (with cold air and coffee cakes) holding our words at lips (stopping the sounds they make) we know the way to go (we know each steps to take) to be here

these words with no reply's stopping we's and starting i's this need is killing me and taking me over

"lately the weather has been so bipolar and consequently so have I..."

2005-03-21T20:27:00.000-05:00

global warming... the sky is falling! or rather, the ocean is rising!

The situation for all the non-science people is this. Earth's temperatures have been increasing steadily for the last several centuries (since the last Ice Age, to be specific). Recently, scientists have noticed an increase in the rate of increase. In other words, instead on increasing at a constant rate, the average surface temperature of Earth is approaching an exponential increase. In the age of shifting economies, war, terrorism, and social violence, one would think that this bit of information would not get much notice... Until someone decides we need another reason to be afraid.

The problem does not seem to be that Earth is changing, but more our fear of not being able to keep up. Global warming poses to us a threat unimaginable. A natural, plausible, gradual, end of life as we know it. I sincerely doubt that many of us are around to watch Florida (and a good deal of the east coast) "fall" into the ocean, and in reality it would be a matter of losing a few inches of coastline a year at best (plenty of time to move to higher ground). But it's the stuff of movies, books, and political campaigns. I could go the financial, political route with this rant, but I've chosen to stay somewhat focused on the "heart" of the issue.

I believe what we fear most is our inability to control our own destiny in this respect. We must rally around causes to stop global warming: reduce fossil fuel use, carbon dioxide emissions, and the like to stop the ice caps from melting, all in the name of preserving our wonderful way of life. Any geologist could tell you that Earth has gone through major (catostrophic, if you will) climate changes throughout its existence. Who is to say that this one is any different? There are many good arguments for "putting a stop to global warming." But they all fall short. Reducing carbon dioxide emissions is a good thing -- the air we breathe should be clean (oxygen is good). Reducing fossil fuel use and finding alternative energy sources is also good -- we will eventually run out of coal, oil, etc. But doing these things will not make us immortal. They will not keep Earth indefinitely. We can't control EVERYTHING. If fact, we can control very little, and that is what is most frightening.

And so the first premise comes into play. The first premise is the existence (or not) of God (when I say "God" I am refering to the God of the Bible, other concepts of God would make this a never ending post). If God does not exist then God is not in control and global warming could be the Earth’s way of naturally shaking off its latest pest. Like the dinosaurs, we could become a thing of the fossil record for the next intelligent life to fine… or worse to never be found at all.

But, if God exists, and is in control, then we know that the world will end one way or another. We should take care of Earth (see comments above) but gobal warming is an interesting natural phenomenon, not the "oh my gosh the oceans are rising and we're all going to die!" crisis that the media would portray.

But you would never know any of that, because what we are taught is that we must learn to control global warming because change (if we did not impose the change) is bad.

So what is my final point? my great conclusion? I don't know yet. Do you?

"don't fade away cause i'm reaching for you..."

2005-03-16T23:10:00.000-05:00

Suddenly, I am transported to a coffeehouse in Sugarcreek, Ohio listening to Coincidene Maybe... play on a very tiny "stage." Candace and I are sitting on a couch on the side of the "stage." The band covers "Round Here," and as I sip my coffee I think "this is one of the best moments that I'll remember when I'm older." Oh how true it is. So here's to the band and the friends and the memories.

Check out Travis and his new musical endeavors (and listen to the recording of the last Coincidence Maybe... show) at www.travis-raymond.com

It's like going home.

"but I just had no intention of living this way."

2005-03-14T21:59:00.000-05:00

Transparency. Authenticity. Honesty.

These are all things that I say that I value intensely in my relationships with others and with the world. But it has recently occurred to me that I don't do them. When I was really broken and couldn't function without crying, I was honest. I had nothing left to lose. I thought my life couldn't get much worse and fully expected that it would. I had no real hope of being "happy;" I didn't expect it. For whatever reason, I believed that it wasn't in the cards for me. Then I realize that I couldn't go on like that, and started the journey to healing and restoration.

Completely Irrational and Fully Functional.

Somewhere along the way I subconsciously decided that it was good enough, to be okay. To survive in what one friend recently described as "contentment with the abscence of pain." Which lead to the fear of the infliction of pain and resentment of feeling (if you feel good about something then when it falls through you are going to feel some serious pain). Now, when I talk about feelings here, I'm not talking about the superfical adolescent feelings we experience thoughout the day. I'm talking about the feelings that you can't shake off. Living in this state of functionality has always been sort of the norm for me. There have been times where I have made significant progress toward honesty, authenticity and transparency, but the natural inclination of things is to regress to a state of mere functionality.

A Call to Emotion.

Recently, I've been made aware of the state of my life. I've been given cause to probe into my motivations, my hope, my experience, my desires and my reality. What I've found is an intellectual knowledge of my freedom in Christ to emote, live, breathe, dance, sing, scream, love, laugh, and cry. I feel a call to move beyond that. To demonstrate in my life the honesty, transparency and authenticity that I am drawn to in others -- that fosters community. I am not sure how that is going to happen, but I guess I have to start somewhere...

"... holding out for something less than touching the hand of God?"

2005-03-09T17:20:00.000-05:00

A friend recently posted on his blog a list of thoughts from last night's grove meeting. One of them hit me like a mack truck.

"i don't trust God with loss"

There are some things that we think that we've conquered, only to find that we've become numb to them.

And so, I begin this story.

Once upon a time there were three friends. Each of them had been sort of drifting in the world, having "friends" and "acquaintences," but not soul mates. When the three met at college it seemed like fate. It was definitely God. They laughed together, cried together, worshiped together, and fought for each other.
When my roommate and our friend died in a car accident that spring, we grieved together.
C graduated. But that didn't change much. She was still around all the time. M got a boyfriend. The serious kind. We knew she was "headed for the church." Then I decided to transfer to another college. C got her dream job and had to move away. It was only Cleveland, but it seemed like Mars. M got engaged. I was trying to fit in at a new school. We tried to see each other and keep in touch. C came to visit me at my new school. She was the only one to visit me that first year.
Spring rolled around. M was getting married in June. C and I had been planning with her for the big day. We had a shower and a bachelorette party. It was so much fun being together. We started making plans for summer break.
Phone calls.
"What? You've got to be kidding. I haven't heard anything all day. I need to talk to M."
A voice mail.
"C. You're never going to believe the phone call I just got. People are saying crazy stuff about you. Call me back, okay?"
Reality.
"M? I'm on my way. How long does it take to get to Cleveland? I'll pick you up. I don't know."
We drove to Cleveland through heavy rain and thunderstorms that night and got to the hospital in just over an hour. I must have been doing 100 the whole way. C's mom was waiting for us. "She's been hanging on for you. We told her you would get here."
15 minutes later she was gone. the doctors at the hospital gave no answers. no aneurism, no heart attack, no sickess. she had been packing for a trip to Ireland. the plane left without her.

It will be 3 years this May. Shouldn't I have gotten over this? Why is it that at the first sign of spring the panic seeps in to say "who's it going to be this year?" This year my aunt has cancer. My grandpa needs surgery. And I say to God, "who am I going to lose this time?"

My answer is this: God's goodness is not dependent upon my opinion of Him. I can accept that and trust in His goodness even in loss, or I can continue to live in fear.

So, I lay it down again and again. Giving over the pain, the fear, the distrust, to a God who never scolds me for my heartbreak, but ever takes me back.

"I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately..."

2005-03-01T19:56:00.000-05:00

Which Science Fiction/Fantasy Character are you? www.tk421.net/character

Seriously, this quiz made me laugh. A lot. Mostly because the first time I took it, my most authentic responses scored me a Yoda. Wow. I guess if I had to be a science fiction/fantasy character, Yoda would be a good one. My opposite is Quark (?) from StarTrek.

I'm not even going to attempt to make this meaningful or relevant. It's just entertaining, and that's good enough for me.

"these seconds when i'm shaking leave me shuddering for days..."

2005-02-26T02:35:00.000-05:00

So here it is. My first blog entry ever. Some may say it's been a long time coming... What is it about writing for an unknown audience that is terrifying and freeing? Maybe it's the possibility of knowing some of my audience that is the most troubling. One might wonder why, having so many reservations, I am venturing forth into the world of blogdom. Is it my desire to be trendy and cool? Is it my deep introspective nature that assumes the rest of the world finds me as interesting as I do? Is it my need to make sense of my world by putting it in writing and publishing it in hope that someone out there feels the same? Is it the catharsis of writing that makes my thoughts, my hopes, and my memories real -- that heals my wounds? Whatever it is... I hope it works.

so anyway... why are you reading my blog?